NEW BLOG SITE February 8, 2010

I’m moving…right on over to

jesusismybliss.blogspot.com

so head on over!  what are you waiting for?! :)

It’s a charmed life… January 26, 2010

I like to go around saying, “I lead a charmed life.” 

I also like to go around saying all day (in my head), “This is the best day of my life!”  It’s not really, but I just like to think it sometimes.

Right now, I am holding a cuddly 2 year old in my lap, who keeps trying to type random letters in this post.  Sheesh.  I slept in Audrey’s bed last night, and there was that terrible incident where she woke up and didn’t go back to sleep for a few hours and I had to pat her back and sing to her from 3-5 am, but the REAL reason I’m bringing it up is that it was so cute to wake up with her this morning.  She just loves to cuddle.  She only wants to be spooning me and then laying with her head on my stomach and then putting her nose up to my nose.  We layed in bed for about 20 minutes just having a little love-fest.  I love that kid!  I half can’t wait til she’s older and we can talk more and do more things together, and half dread it because I don’t want her to grow up! 

WELCOME is glorious and terrible as always.  It’s good, because I try to remind myself that I really feel like this is where God wants me to be, and I’m really doing the best I can to make this ministry grow and be effective, but it’s also terrible because of all the frustrations.  Like having to work with a network of people (I have a board of directors, 14 pastors I work with, random various people involved with this ministry) that may or may not respond to my urgent emails.  Like everyone and their brother having opinions about how things should be done, and freely telling me so, and yet they all contradict each other.  How can there be so many different opionions on this topic?!  I can’t make everyone happy.  I mean, it’s just stressful to me.  And as I said before, I don’t even feel like I’m making a difference so it feels kind of like just going through the motions and my passion dwindles.  I don’t really know what to do, other than what I am doing, which is working hard and doing all I can and just forgetting the bad stuff.  It’s just what you have to do, I guess. 

I wish I had more fun in my life.  Here’s things I think would be fun that I would like to consider for the very near future:

• going back to college, even if it’s just taking a class or two for fun and not necessarily for a career path
• learning to play piano
• riding my bike more
• reading every book I own
• doing more art stuff
• learning to sew my own clothes
• visiting Nashville
• visiting Savannah
• going to see Senia (in the works…last weekend in Feb.)
• going to visit Allison W.
• going to visit Auburn
• doing something dramatically different with my hair
• experimenting with photography
• going on a mission trip
• visiting this house church I found out about in my area
• going to the college conference I told you about in the last post (going…next weekend)
• feeling good about my work at WELCOME
• developing friendships here…most of my friends live far away.  it’s oh so lonesome.
• be more diligent in song-writing and excelling at guitar
• write a book
• attend a dance party
• learn to cook

Mmmmm.  I think that would do the trick.  That’s not so much to ask, is it?  I’ll keep you posted on the progress of my quest for fun.  I know you are oh-so-riveted. :)

So we’ll dance to the beating of our hearts… January 22, 2010

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I like to think…today could be the day that my life changes forever.   

Or not.   You never know.  But hey…you really never know. :)

Busybusy day at WELCOME.  When we closed at 2, I had to have a long meeting with Bro. Jim and Bill (the chairman of the board) about business stuff.  After Thurdays, my brain is always over-saturated with WELCOME and I just want a day or two to not think about it at all.  But I was talking with a volunteer today about how since I started working at WELCOME, I haven’t felt even once like I’ve made a difference.  The funny thing is, I used to feel like I was making a difference when I was just volunteering, and now I work so much harder and do so much more.  But I think being director, I just kind of see the bad sides of people and the harder parts of the ministry, and people are constantly bringing up what they consider “the poor” to be…people who use the system, people who abuse the system, people who could work but won’t, people who mooch off of others hard work.  I mean, I know there are people like that, but these constant voices in my ears are making me convinced that everyone is like that, and that’s just not true and not my heart at all.  I want to believe the best, and see the good.  I have to live that way, I can’t thrive off of negativity at all.  I wish I could just filter all that out, and continually dismiss it when people make cynical comments like that.  I mean, it is a sad fact of this ministry that there are people who will take advantage of you, but I feel like Satan would just freaking looooooooove to have me believe that’s all these people are.  Because if that’s all they are is people who are using me and taking my sincere efforts and twisting them, then why would I want to keep helping?  It would be so so so easy to leave in that case, to give up and say well I can’t help these people.  Dang, it’s just such a fine line, between being aware of people’s intentions to make sure we run the ministry correctly, and not becoming a bitter old cynic.  Boooooo to that.  Here’s some quotes I’m dwelling on:

God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.
Mother Teresa

If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
Mother Teresa

Jesus said love one another. He didn’t say love the whole world.
Mother Teresa

Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation, and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness, or impatience.
Mother Teresa

The success of love is in the loving – it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
Mother Teresa

There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in – that we do it to God, to Christ, and that’s why we try to do it as beautifully as possible.
Mother Teresa

“Without out suffering, our work would just be social work, very good and helpful, but it would not be the work of Jesus Christ, not part of the Redemption. All the desolation of the poor people, not only their material poverty, but their spiritual destitution, must be redeemed. And we must share it, for only by being one with them can we redeem them by bringing God into their lives and bringing them to God.”A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace.

Do not commit the error, common among the young, of assuming that if you cannot save the whole of mankind you have failed. ~Jan de Hartog

Sometimes a man imagines that he will lose himself if he gives himself, and keep himself if he hides himself. But the contrary takes place with terrible exactitude. ~Ernest Hello

 

Do not commit the error, common among the young, of assuming that if you cannot save the whole of mankind you have failed. ~Jan de Hartog

Sometimes a man imagines that he will lose himself if he gives himself, and keep himself if he hides himself. But the contrary takes place with terrible exactitude. ~Ernest Hello

 

 

Anyway…those are helping me at least :)

Books I’m currently reading (and loving):  Follow me to Freedom (Shane Claiborne and John Perkins), A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (Donald Miller), Ashes to Africa (about a couple who adopted a baby from Ethiopia…KILLING ME! :) , and When Helping Hurts: Alleviating Poverty Without Hurting the Poor…and Ourselves.  These are all soooo good.  Clearly the first two would be good, given the authors.  And a book about adoption, especially international adoption….sucker, I was sold before I even read it.  But the last one has been quite a delightful surprise.  I wanted to read it for WELCOME, but it has been so incredibly informative and helpful.  I recommend all Christians who want to explore God’s heart for the poor reading it.  The guys who wrote it also teach at a university, and that univ. offers distance-learning courses on community building and povery alleviation.  You can bet your bottom dollar I’m looking into that!  I told you I love school :)

Speaking of school, I got invited to a conference today, which is technically a conference for college students.  I reallyreallyreally want to go, because I miss stuff like that SO BADLY from my glorious college days.  I mean, I’m only 24, I’m not 50…I think it would still be okay for me to go.  I loooooooove corporate worship like that (Hello…did I mention Shane and Shane are the worship leaders?!?  Seriously?!? Outrageous…how did they get such a big name to come?!) and I’m itching to learn new things about God, and this kind of thing is so rich to my soul.  I just want to go.  And I think I just might. :)

I’m also thinking of quitting guitar lessons.  I’ve taken for over a year now, and I feel like I’ve really gotten out of it all I wanted to.  For my purposes, I’ve learned pretty much all I needed.  So we’ll wait and see..

I maybe maybe possibly have a church?!?  I have a history with this particular church, as I went there a few months when I first moved home from college, then felt like it wasn’t perfect for me, and wandered around a bit, then they have been HEAVILY involved in WELCOME so I’ve gotten to know all their ministers that way and gotten pretty familiar with their church and their staff, so I got interested in trying it again.  I have tried 3 Sunday school classes there.  College and career, which was good, and I love the woman who teaches it, but wasn’t quite sure if it’s for me, as I am older than all those tots (haha…jk about the tots part), then I tried a class a lot of my friends go to, and again I really liked it and liked the teacher, but wasn’t quite sure, and then this past Sunday I tried the singles class.  I seriously don’t know what is going on, because only 3 other people were in that class, it’s super small, they don’t have a lot of young people in there, and most of the “problems” (not really problems, just things I haven’t been in love with) at other churches and other S.S. classes…I mean this class has similar things going on.  But something about this class does excite me and does make me want to go back.  I can’t put my finger on why, but if I have that feeling, I’m going to certainly explore it.  The people and teacher are of course nice and of course I learned things, but that’s been the case in other classes that I haven’t wanted to return to, so….who knows?  I’ll keep you posted.  I know you are just on the edge of your little seat to hear about my life. :)

To end this I just have to say that my heart is full of hope and peace right now.  I really can’t explain emotions at all.  It seems my circumstances stay the same and yet sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I’m not.  I guess it’s just a matter of trying to have peace in all circumstances, hanging onto God’s promises and going from glory to glory.  But knowing God and being on the journey with Him is really the best and happiest part of my life.  It’s hard and painful at times and I’m uncomfortable a lot, but I’m growing and changing and He is doing a good work in me.  And that’s really all I need to know.

Except of course, if He wants to go ahead and reveal His plan for me in it’s beautiful and glorious entirety….well that would be just fine with me, sucka. :)

Why is diet pepsi so delightful and other tough questions January 19, 2010

Hello lovelies!  I have been a busy bee practically all day.  I’ve been almost living at my sister’s house these days, trying to help with these two crazy kids.  And since I basically temporarily live here, I get itching to do stuff, and what better stuff to do than clean her house?  It’s better than working on WELCOME stuff. :)  So yesterday Laura laid down with Bethany to nurse her and then take a nap, and I rocked Audrey to sleep for her nap, laid her in her bed, then commenced cleaning the den.  Why yes, I did feel rather like a fairy godmother.  Then of course, I took a little nappie myself. :)  Then today I got up (after being up half the night with Audrey…I don’t know what’s up with that kid.  We guess she is waking up in the middle of the night to get extra attention now that Bethany’s born.) So anyway, I’ve been cleaning her kitchen and now I’m updating the ole blog.  It’s more fun to clean other people’s stuff than your own.  It’s easy to clean Laura’s house but hard to clean my own room.  Straaaange.  Also I like cleaning her house because it keeps me from doing WELCOME stuff.  Heh heh.  Speaking of work, I applied for a job yesterday.  I wasn’t particularly looking to, but one of my friends is the branch manager of a Wachovia bank, and he’s looking to hire someone just on Mon Wed Fri, which would still leave me time for WELCOME (open on Thursdays) and I could make a little moola.  So we’ll just see about that.  I’m not that excited about it, because about a bajillion times these things have fallen through for me, so I don’t count my chicks before they’re hatched.  Also I have extremely low job-self-esteem, because of all the issues I’ve had with not being able to find a job, nobody wanting me, ending up with insanely crazy jobs, etc etc etc.  Sheesh.  So I tend to lean towards thinking I won’t get it, thinking they won’t want me, thinking if I do get it I will be too stupid to do it, etc.  What a pity.  I’m a delicate flower.  Poor little thing.

That’s basically what I’m doing nowadays.  Helping with my nieces, working on WELCOME.  But I don’t feel as bored or as desperate as I have been in the past couple of posts.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been doing more things instead of wallowing in my emotions all day.  I mean, I was busy even then, but I was thinking how miserable I was the whole time instead of focusing on my tasks.  I still want bangs though…just to do something a teeny bit daring.  And yes, it is a little pitiful that my idea of “daring” is getting bangs.  Wow.  Wild woman, huh?  I’m so out of control. :)

To do list:

• spend more time with friends
• find a church
• go on adventures/find cool places in this sleepy little town
• read…all the time
• find glorious new music/listen more to the glorious music I already have
• get bangs
• ride my bike more
• watch Ruby all day, every day
• work on WELCOME
• do more art projects
• journal more
• go to the thrift store
• finish cleaning Laura’s house
• find something more interesting to blog about next time :)

That about does it.  This was a little boring, but what are ya gonna do?  Sue me, sucker.

Worth the risk??? January 12, 2010

Hello friends!   (And by friends, I mean my sister and Allison, because I have a sneaking suspicion they’re the only ones who read this blog :)  Today has been relatively uneventful, basically full of doing work for WELCOME and helping with the nieces.  Tomorrow I have to go to a neighboring county’s program similar to WELCOME, and talk with them and observe and see how they do things to get some wonderful ideas to take home to WELCOME with me.  Then in the afternoon I have to go to the food bank to take a 2-hour class so I will be qualified to get food from them.  I’m not excited about going particularly, but when I typed I was going to class I got really excited.  Umm…nerd?  And today I called my work-work, schoolwork.  As in, I just have to do my schoolwork, when what I meant was stuff for work.  And then I realized I feel really happy saying I have to do schoolwork, and I just might start calling it schoolwork even though it’s not.  I wonder if this means I should take some college classes.  I’ve been thinking about if back and forth the past couple of years if I want to go to grad school or try to get another bachelor’s in a program, oh I don’t know, I might actually use.  :) Heh, heh.  Anyway, just a thought.  I have been dreaming about (besides getting bangs, wink) taking a course in Children’s Literature.  The only way I can think to describe how I feel about that is I’m salivating over it.  I know, sick, right?  But it’s how I feel.  Like it would be so deliciously dreamy to take that class.  It would have absolutely no relation to real life or my future, it would just make me so blissfully happy.  And maybe that’s part of the reason why it would make me so happy.  Anyway.

I was thinking last night about why right now I feel semi-distant from God, and normally when I feel like that I feel really discontent and upset and like I really want to be close again, but this time….I don’t know, I feel a weird aversion.  Not an aversion to God exactly, but an aversion to having Him be close to me again.  And I’m pretty much positive (and by pretty much, I mean absolutely) that it’s because I have a fear of vulnerability right now.  I feel like I literally have my hands clutched over my heart and God’s trying to get a peek and I’m like noooooooooooo, like a girl would be embarassed if a guy walked in on her changing her clothes or something.  I don’t know if that was the right thing to compare it to, but it seems right to me, so just go with it.  I told you I distance myself from friends and have developed a weird social-phobia because of it, and I think I subconciously did that to insulate myself from pain or discomfort, and maybe I’m subconciously trying to do the same thing with God.  Not that God would ever hurt me necessarily, but that He would ask me to do uncomfortable things, or make me feel other people’s pain when I don’t want to right now.  Anyway…I’m not okay with it.  I’m just trying to understand why I’m doing it so I can stop.  My mind and heart are very complicated, unusual, messy little jungles.  They really are.

Love is such a risk.  Always.  Every kind of love. 

I hate risks.  I really really do.

But I do love love.

Geeeeeez.  Complicated.  And when it gets complicated, I tend to take an emotional nap.  And that might almost even be healthy, except when I take an emotional nap, I think I’m freakin Rip Van Winkle.  That’s why years speed on by me and I feel like nothings happened, because my hearts still asleep.  I gotta figure out a way to wake up, I just got to.  Maybe I’ll have to take some risks.  Yuck.  If you think of an easier way, will you let me know?  Thanks in advance, ya filthy animal.

Dream day? practically. :) January 11, 2010

If you’re wondering how it ended last night, I ate some laughing cow cheese on ritz crackers while watching a delightfully cheesy lifetime movie (there’s nothing on at that time, sucka) with the mom off Growing Pains playing a rich socialite scheming to kill off her daughter’s new husband since he’s working-class.  Bad move, Maggie Seaver, bad move.  It wasn’t scary though, it was played for laughs, mostly.  So don’t you worry about me, although while trying to fall asleep after that, my guitar case in the corner looked eerily like a man (I don’t know how that exactly looked the same to me, but in the dark my mind always gets a little crazy).  So all’s well that ends well.

After my 3 baths yesterday, the first thing I wanted to do was take a bath this morning.  Does this mean I have an addictive personality?!

The cold is much better.  I still have to stop every 5 minutes and blow my nose, but hey, progress is progress.

Today I was going through my inbox which has 1000, yes 1000, emails because I never delete them, so I had to go back to the beginning and delete some and they were all from my glorious college days.  Well, of course that only serves to make me INSANELY nostalgic.  I start missing that time and how much fun I had and how I’m not having that much fun now, and start to wonder if that was the best time of my life, and realize how pathetic that at 24 I may have already peaked.  DANG!  I hate that line of thinking.  So I real quick remind myself that I still got the best years ahead of me, as I’ve got lots of adventures and mysteries and a soul mate (maybe) and orphans (definitely) in my future!  I just have to remember that.  I just have to remember that.  That’s all there is to it.  Either that, or go to college again, which since I don’t use my degree and probably need another one, is still a possibility.  Like I always say, you neeeeeever know.  It’s a wait-and-see.

That’s all for now.  Actually, I just remembered how I described my dream day on yesterday’s blog so I better update you on how it turned out.  I did actually wake up pretty early (9:30-totally early in my book), did dress moderately cute (as I’m going out in public today), have been tidying my room, and am getting ready to go to Hobby Lobby with Sis, then to spend the night over there with my babies and watch Ruby.  So all in all, almost….alllllmost….a dream day. :)  And you never know, I could meet my soul mate in Hobby Lobby.  He could be in there buying….I was trying to think of something clever he would be buying that would reveal how he is not only a hunk, but also sensitive, caring, thoughful, and loves God and orphans, but to be honest, what the heck would he be doing in Hobby Lobby?!?!  So scratch that.  But you still never know!  Maybe he will come by Laura’s house asking if we lost a puppy or something.  Ahhhh, whatever.  Speaking of Laura’s house and puppies…I started laughing so hard earlier remembering when the man who lives behind her called Animal Control, saying Laura’s small dogs were getting on top of their dog house and jumping over the privacy fence and bothering his big dog.  I was laughing because Laura has no dogs or doghouse or pet of any kind.  And how could a little dog be so conniving and clever to climb on a doghouse and jump over a privacy fence to bully a neighboring dog.  And wondering if he actually hallucinated these dogs, if they came from someone else’s yard, or if he just has some weird vendetta against neighbors he’s never really met?  Anyway, that is hilaaaaaaaaaaarious to me.  So you’re welcome, for the laugh. 

That’s all.  Goodbye. :)

Downside…yowzers. January 11, 2010

Yeah, except now it’s 12:30am and I can’t go to sleep because I’ve been laying in this bed practically all day and I feel disgusting and my body is all, “I don’t need rest, I’ve been resting all day, stupid.”  So I’m sitting here, debating whether to a) have a snack, b) try to tidy my room (which I’ve made attempts at all day…and by “attempts” I mean standing in my doorway looking all forlorn and pitiful, then going to watch tv or read or something instead) or c) lay here some more and try to feel un-disgusting.  My nose is either all stuffy or running like a faucet.  I had so little energy I didn’t even put my contacts in today, which always kind of gives me a headache and weirdo feeling.  And by the way, since I didn’t feel like getting out of bed or have the energy to do anything, the only thing I could do to get out of the bed that required no energy was take a bath.  So I may or may not have taken 3 baths today.  I know…fascinating.  My life is soooo interesting  it is frightening. 

I don’t need to be up this late, because I’m supposed to be going to bed early and getting up early, so as I can go on all those adventures I talked about going on in 2010.  I think my dream day tomorrow would look like: waking up early (on my own, not to a nasty alarm), drinking coffee with the window cracked so a little cold early-mornin air can blow in on me, get dressed in a really cute outfit, spend loads of time tidying my room and make lots of progress, then eat a delightful lunch out, followed by a trip to the flea market, followed by a trip to the park where I would lay on a quilt, play guitar, and journal.  Oh, and since it is my dream day, it is warm out during this park-trip.  Then I would come home, ride my bike until dusk, then spend some time with Audrey and Bethany.  And it is a dream, so I would watch lots of brand new episodes of Ruby as well, as if I hadn’t seen every episode that ever existed.  But tomorrow will inevitably not be my dream day.  Tomorrow will probably mean me sleeping crazy-late, wearing something comfy instead of cute, spending the whole day at Laura’s house or doing WELCOME stuff. Same ole, same ole.  Boooooring. 

Then again…you never know.

I told you guys I’m bored and dreaming of all things dramatic.  I am immersed in daydreams about getting full bangs.  I’m just not sure how it will work out with curly hair.  But I figure I’m pretty much in a position where I can do whatever the heck I want.  Young and free, baby, young and free. :)  So…you never know.  First step, bangs, second step, mission trip to African orphans.  Oh yes.  Bye-bye, boredom.

Sick. Yuck. January 10, 2010

I am deathly ill with a cold.  It’s not as bad as colds usually are, because I haven’t had a cough and my throat doesn’t hurt.  It basically involves a runny nose, and worst of all, a complete and total lack of energy.  I can barely summon enough energy to blink my eyelids.  Not even exaggerating, suckas.  So for consolation, these are the various activities I’ve been engaging in the past 48 hours:  sleeping, laying in bed under piles of covers, staring at the wall, listening to my ipod, watching Harry Potter movies, watching Ruby, reading the new Shane Claiborne, reading the new Donald Miller, eating ice cream, reading glossy-paged magazines, taking multiple baths (I don’t know, a hot bath just makes me feel better).  Also, occasionally thinking I’ve suddenly regained my strength, going into my bedroom and turning on the light in hopes of cleaning/organizing, staring at the piles of crap, and….going back to bed.  What are ya gonna do?  Just gotta rest up and take it easy.  It’s times like these I’m grateful my job situation is so flexible.  And that I don’t have a husband to think about or children to take care of.  And that I basically, actually can stay in bed all day if I want to, though it’s really not as enjoyable when surrounded by piles and piles of kleenex.  Anyway…I’m just waiting it out to be healthy again.  Til then, you know where to find me…in bed, staring glazed-over at the ceiling.

P.S. If you’re wondering why I talked about going into my bedroom and then going back to bed…it’s because there’s no tv in my room, so I am crashing in the playroom (aka my sis’s old room), with a nice big bed and tv.  Now leave me alone, I’m trying to watch Harry Potter.  :)

2010…adventure-time?!?!?! January 8, 2010

You know you don’t blog much anymore when you have almost completely forgotten your password and almost can’t even log in.  Geez.  Although to be honest, I think that would maybe be a good thing, cuz I’m sick of this blog.  This is the same way I get with prayer journals.  I write in it for awhile, stop writing for awhile, then when it’s time to return, I feel like I’m so different, that so much has happened, that I can’t possibly continue in the same blog/journal and need a brand new one to match my brand new self.  It’s sort of ridiculous because there’s not that much dramatic changing going on.  I just think I’m going to DIE if I have to write in this blog with all these old entires.  I think maybe the real root of the problem is I get bored with my ownself, and get really sick of my old entries. 

Maybe I will settle for changing the background.  Except I’m not really sure how to do it that well yet.  Sheesh.

I’m in kind of a yucky time where I feel really unhappy.  Not sad, or depressed, or anything like that…just not really all that happy.  I feel like my life and my heart has always been full of such joy, but lately it has kind of just…evaporated.  I think it is this whole heart-numbing process that has been going on the past 2 years.  I feel like I maybe have changed a lot through all of my life-disappointments and let-downs…maybe more than I care to admit.  But I still see flashes of my true self every now and then.  Can I just be honest?!  I just really want, maybe more than anything else, for life to be EASY.  COMFORTABLE.  CONVENIENT.  And why, God, have You not let this happen for me?  Now maybe, just maybe, there are more important things to the Kingdom of God than my life being very neat and tidy and perfect, but still…why so much turbulence?  Was this really all necessary?  And I guess the answer is yes.  And I guess the answer is that He’s doing good things in my heart and in my life and I just have to count on it.  But still…I do enjoy comfort and ease.  Can I get an amen?  I wonder secretly if all these problems and difficulties and pain has caused me to become even more hermit-like.  Because now I basically just like to spend time at home in my room, reading and playing guitar and writing in my journal.  And I’ve always enjoyed that, and I’ve always been a homebody, but truth be told, sometimes when people call me I get really anxious about having to interact with them.  Isn’t that the weirdest?  How did I turn into such a weirdo?  I think it’s because I have unintentionally programmed myself to avoid all pain and hard stuff, and of course relationships are some of the hardest and most painful things in life.  But also some of the most beautiful and necessary…so I’m in quite a pickle, aren’t I?  I feel like all I do with my time is work for WELCOME, help with my 2 neices, and that’s basically it.  And then if I get any freetime all I do is read or watch tv or tidy my room.  I’m so bored.  Boredboredboredboredbored.  I just want adventure, but I’m too scared to do anything that even might lead to that. 

I think maybe over the past 2 years I’ve had a lot of identity crises….(plural of crisis?  I don’t know)  Because in one fell swoop I lost my career path, my independent life, most of my friends, my community at college….so much of which I felt like defined me, without even realizing it.  Because then when it was gone I felt very…blank.  Who am I?  I just don’t know, friends.  How is a person defined…by what, exactly?  And everyone gives me the ole Sunday School answer–defined by God and what He has done for you, hallelujah, amen!  But I don’t know how to translate words on a page or words in my friends mouths into actually applying to my life.  And it has been 2 1/2 years now…when in the heck am I going to get this figured out?

And as part of the identity crisis, I just keep trying to re-invent myself.  I keep making lists of things I’m going to learn to do.  I feel like I am a blank white board and I keep grabbing pieces of paper that say things like “learned to play guitar”, “loves to read”, “loves orphans” and try to stick them to the board to define myself, but they won’t stick to me…..

This is a problem…I still relate every single thing in my life to that first downfall, the first start down the path of disappointment.  There is a voice in my head that is ALWAYS. THERE.  Always.  To bring up the entire chain of events over these past 2 1/2 years, listing them out one by one everytime a bad thing happens.  Why can’t I let this go?  I think it’s because my life was so good up until that first upset, that I was unprepared for how to handle it.  So before I could even cope with the first bad thing and/or learn to let it go, the next bad thing happened…and the next one just kept happening each time, before I had time to grieve and cope with the last pain.  So now everytime my life isn’t going how I planned or wanted, that voice in my head, before I can even tell it, “Don’t you dare!”, starts listing lickety-split all the bad things that have happened and starts digging into me, “Why has this happened to YOU?  Where is God in all this? Do you SERIOUSLY think this is part of a PLAN?!  Are you crazy?  I thought you said God was good, Katrina.  Uh-huh.  Sure seems that way, doesn’t it?  Look at everyone else’s lives…wow.  They have fallen into place perfectly and neatly.  What did YOU do so wrong that your life had go all off track?!”

I hate that ole cynic.  Even when I think I’ve moved on and have closure over my life events, I guess I really haven’t.  Will I ever?  I just don’t know. 

Maybe, oh my gosh, since I’ve had trouble defining myself, I have inadvertently decided to define myself by the bad things that happened.  Now there’s a thought.  Maybe that’s why I don’t let them go.  Because they’re my security blanket.  Who am I?  I am this series of events that have unfolded over the last couple of years. 

Yuck.

All the things I really want, I keep myself from going after.  I defeat my ownself, before I even start.  I want community so bad, but relationships are so risky and I don’t want to be vulnerable.  I want to find cool places around here to hang out and get out of my house…but all I ever want to do is stay at my house.  I want to know my career path, but I just feel so completely and utterly clueless as to where to start, I just don’t.  I want to be close to God, but I’m so tired of being vulnerable.

If you crack open my little heart, all that spills out is questions and confusion and doubt and unresolved issues.  But deep in the core, after all of that has come gushing out, I think there is still peace and love and hope.  It just gets smothered sometimes by things that happen to me and the way I let myself react to them. 

So what will I be like on Dec. 31, 2010?  I hope a lot different.  But I’m always hoping that, and always staying a lot the same, so that sucks.  I know I need to take action towards changing, if that’s what I want, but I don’t know how to change, and don’t know even what to change into.  ??????  As always, more questions than answers.

Maybe I have worked so long to insulate myself from pain and hard stuff, that I have also snuffed out the good stuff.  Now all that’s left is neutral stuff, so that’s why I’m so bored.  What’s better…to be safe and bored, or risky and happy?  Oh please…you’re going to say risky and happy, but that’s only because it’s not you you’re talking about.  In real life, it’s harder to pick risks.  It’s only fun to pick risks when it’s in movies or books and you know everything will turn out alright, or in someone else’s life when it won’t even hurt YOU if things go wrong. 

Last year I made a ton of resolutions.  But right now I don’t feel like any of that.  All I want from 2010 is to be happy, love people, be loved, and go on a few adventures.   I want to be close to God’s heart and I want to have peace over my life, all that happened and all that will happen.  I want to learn how to be brave.  Here’s hoping….

New job..I’m almost dead. December 16, 2009

No new blog lately…that is because of a glorious and dreadful thing called “my new job.”  I really shouldn’t even be writing this blog, I have so much on my plate.  But it’s 9 am, and I’m up with Audrey while Laura gets to sleep in with Bethany, and while Audrey is blissfully occupied with Sesame Street, I may as well blog as I’ve had a request for an update.  (This one’s for you, Allison! :)  Okay, so to start at the beginning…

I started a couple of weeks ago as Director of WELCOME Center.  It’s a local ministry to meet the needs of the poor in the community.  The main way we do that right now is through food distribution, but since it is almost Christmas we also have a Christmas program to get families sponsored so they can have gifts for their children.  Well, as I was hired RIGHT AT STINKIN CHRISTMAS, I have certainly had my hands FULL with trying to organize that program and work my butt off to get those families sponsored.  I mean, I’ve never worked so constantly in my life.  I realized a couple of days ago that I literally could. not. remember. the last time I….watched tv, or read a book, or listened to my ipod, or tidied up my room…all the things I used to have the liberty to fill up my days with.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  So anyway when I got hired, I was excited and all ready to start a revolution and bring God’s love to the poor and all of these glorious notions.  So the first day on the job (we’re only open on Thursdays right now), so the first Thursday I arrive and am greeted by…a handful of volunteers and…oh, I don’t know, a dozen people waiting for me to help them??  So I open up and I’m all panicked like, hey, am I allowed to let them in even though we don’t open for a few minutes?  But it’s cold out there!  So I let them come on in and I tried to talk to the volunteers, but as it was my first day, I don’t know how much help I was in “training” them.  I tried to fake it til I make it haha, so I kind of acted like I knew what I was doing, but inside my heart was shaking in terror and I was feeling anxiety bubbling around in my stomach.  So we started meeting with people and everything was going well and pretty smoothly.  My volunteers were AMAZING that day especially.  Now we are only open one day a week for the public, and I have only been director a couple of weeks, but let me just say, to be perfectly honest, that I have about as many experiences in one day as some people do in 3 weeks.  So I feel like I’ve been here for months, truthfully.  So I’m dealing with all these people coming in for help, volunteers that are looking to me to tell them what to do, the phone ringing off the hook, and all the paperwork I’m supposed to be doing on our “clients”, and I’m thinking….PEOPLE!  It’s my 1st day!  Hellllllllp! 

Sigh.  So anyway, I can’t even begin to remember the crazy stuff that happened that day with clients.  Here are my vague recollections in the craziness that ensued:  a man that was dressed crazy, hair a mess, that smelled from yards away like something I have never smelled before, who I have a sneaking suspicion was homeless, and my volunteer listening to him as he talked about C.S. Lewis.  People telling me they literally have no food in their house at all…none…not even one can.  People being rude to me about filling out paperwork when I think they are crazy to complain about writing down their address and the people’s names who live with them when we are giving away free food.  Some people complaining about paperwork, and then finding out they only put up a fuss because they can’t read or write.  Yes, there are people, middle-aged, normal-looking people, around here, who just can’t read or write.  I didn’t know that.  People telling me their power’s been off for 5 months.  A woman telling me how this morning someone set her front door on fire, and how last night she was downtown visiting a friend, and he had locked her in the house somehow while her husband was outside, and her husband started getting robbed, and was yelling for her, but she couldn’t get out, so he drove off and left her, and she finally busted out a window and ripped her pants to get out.  Oh…okay?  And one of the main things I remember is how we had been SO MOBBED with people that I was sure that they day was almost over, and a volunteer stopped by to see if we needed any help.  As I was sure we were fixing to close, I said we were okay.  After he left I looked down at the clock (we open at 8 and close at 2)  and it said….11:19 am.  I said THERE IS NO WAY IT IS ONLY 11!!!!  Then I realized I was right, it wasn’t 11….that clock hasn’t been set back for Daylight Savings….IT WAS ONLY TEN!!!  I almost died in my office chair.  Truly. 

So at the end of the day we had seen 50 families.  50 families in 6 hours.  Lord, help me.

So then I started the glorious task of networking to try and get families sponsored.  I emailed all the local pastors asking for them to announce it in their church.  I called the newspaper and asked them to run a story on it.  (They did…and this week they are running a story on…ME.  Geez.  They emailed and asked for a headshot of me…I don’t have a good headshot!  In all my pictures I’m holding a niece on my hip, haha.  Then the other local newspaper called me yesterday and THEY want to do a story on me.  And they sent a photographer to WELCOME to take a picture of me.  Except the only problem is she made me do fakey things, like pretending to stock shelves or talk on the phone, and when people ask me to pose unnaturally, I just make a funny face, like a smirk, like I’m fixing to bust out laughing…so we’ll see how THAT turns out.  Sheesh.)  Anyway…back to week #1.  So most of the pastors didn’t write me back, or wrote me back and told me their church already sponsored families through another organization.  So I’m freaking out!  Because I have basically no time and no resources and these children are DEPENDING on me.  (Did I mention all the ones that told me this is literally the ONLY way their children will have Christmas gifts?  Did I mention the one that broke my heart because in the lobby while she was filling out the form she pulled crumpled-up advertisements out of her purse to write down exactly what her kids wanted.  Can you imagine being a mom and knowing what your kids want but knowing you can’t afford to get them any of it, and just hoping some family will come through for your kids?  Did I mention all the people who wrote on the “wish list” section:  “anything” or “winter clothes and food” or “please give my kids a wonderful Christmas” or “just help my kids” or “I pray God shows up this Christmas”.    I especially liked the woman who asked for “just a Christmas dinner for my family” and the other woman who requested for her Christmas gifts….”food. clothes. and cleaning supplies”.  So okay, you can see why I am so insanely invested in whether or not these people get Christmas gifts, as my heart is totally involved here.  So I just go through a week of insane networking and doing everything possible to get people to take a family.  I look through the applications so many times (there are about 70 of them) that I have just about memorized the people’s names and wish lists and children…so much so, that people can call and say “this is so-and-so, is my family sponsored?” and I don’t even have to look because I know if they were, and who took them…INSANE.  So Sunday at church, the pastor at my church has told me he will announce it to both services and I’m sitting there during the service, clutching my applications, praying people will come up to me afterwards to take a family.  So it’s getting towards the end…and I just get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I tell my friend Hollie beside me that I feel like I’m going to throw up because I’m so afraid he’ll forget to announce it.  I mean, basically all my resources have fallen through, the other pastors have been not to optimistic thus far, and I’m seeing this as MY ONLY CHANCE to get sponsors.  The faces of the people are flashing in my mind, and then he says …..”Ya’ll have a great afternoon” and we are dismissed.  OUCH.  And in that moment, my heart sunk into my stomach, and I literally saw all hope of getting the families sponsored vanish before my very eyes, and I just started crying, right there in the sanctuary. 

This is pretty much the story of my life since I started WELCOME.  Disappointment, yes, BUT…then a big encouragement right after.  Because after I tried to get control of myself (so unsuccessful…always unsuccessful) I sent the youth minister to remind the pastor not to forget next service.  (I didn’t want the pastor to see me crying because I didn’t him to feel guilty.)  But that pastor is good as gold, and he came and found me anyway, and hugged me and told me how sorry he was.  But the REAL way he made it up to me (big time) is that while the second service had already started, and everyone was in there singing, that pastor got someone to help him and they ran around to all the Sunday School classes announcing it.  What. a. champ.  That’s the thing, since working at WELCOME, I’ve had SO MANY disappointments, especially in people, BUT it just makes it SO MUCH SWEETER when someone does a kind thing, or goes the extra mile.  I appreciate it so much more than if it always worked out.  So I did end up getting some families sponsored that day, but I still had so many left.

All this time, I kept thinking to myself, I just wish I had enough faith to believe that God could make a way for ALL the families to get sponsored.  And I know in my mind that He can do anything and nothing is too big for Him, but my heart was so scared to believe it.  Because what if I had faith for this and believed, and then it didn’t happen?  I mean, God would still be good, and I would have to trust Him, but oh my goodness, I would be SO DISAPPOINTED.  So I just said God, I know you COULD do that, but I’m too scared to believe that you WILL.  And God knows my heart, and I was comfortable with that, and I know that He understood.  So in the next couple of days we had a couple of other churches come and take some families (look at the Church, coming through for me after all, how delightfully encouraging) and it just worked out that…..

after all my depression, and tears, and consuming all my time, energy, thoughts, emotions with this…that it had paid off and ALL FAMILIES WERE SPONSORED.  Holy mac.  And I knew that even though I had worked as hard as anbody could work (I can’t even chronicle here all I  did) and had given every possible human effort, it still wouldn’t have been enough, and God had done a miracle in my life.  I was so ecstatic! 

Yeah…but remember what I told you.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Happiness, disappointment, happiness, disappointment…..so you know what comes next. Dis. a. pointment!

What happened was this….mid-celebration for getting all families sponsored, I found out that, also seemingly miraculously, an organization was RETURNING 7 fams that they took.  Seriously?  It actually went like this…before I was hired there was one group, a civic organization, that had taken 17 families to sponsor.  They were the ONLY ONES before I was hired that took families.  And I had talked to the pastor that gave them those families and he assured me they WERE committed to those 17.  And I had been trying to reach them, but no one would answer the phone, but since that pastor had assured me they were sponsored, I had gone ahead and called those fams and told them they were sponsored.  (I want to tell them as soon as possible so they can rest easy at night…and they’re all like “Oh, God is so good!”  “Oh, you just made my day!” “Oh, I just can’t believe that! Praise God!” when you tell them, so they are waiting for that good news anxiously.)  Well, finally, this organization answered, and then proceeded to tell me that they picked the 10 of those 17 that THEY wanted to do and just discarded the other 7…what tha?!?!  What were they thinking?!  They should know that I wouldn’t give those names to anyone else to sponsor so if I hadn’t called to check with them, those 7 families would have just slipped through the cracks.  Oh and by the way, yep, definitely had already told those fams they were sponsored, and so now I’m freaking on the hook for this.  Because allllllll my other fams are sponsored, I’m thinking I’ve probably exhausted all my resources and there’s no one else that’s coming to get a family.  Well to make a long story short (since this blog is already novel-length), after I freaked out and cried in my office (and maybe even kicked my desk once…and also maybe said over and over for about 5 minutes “I hate this job! I hate this job!” and also maybe after yelling at my dad about nothing even though he was only there helping me organize canned goods, and why the heck am I yelling at someone who’s helping me (and yes I think I yelled because he moved the canned kidney beans and I didn’t want them moved….sad, but true) over the next few days, God just did another miracle (He’s pretty much a show-off, and I pretty much like it) and got them all sponsored.  (Not only that, but we had more people asking for families after they were all taken…seriously?!?!)  Now you may just think I over-estimated the need, and under-estimated the Church…but you would be wrong.  Definitely on the first count, and probably on the second.  I definitely under-estimated God.  But He just did the miracle anyway.  Because He loves me, that’s why.

And for the record, even though I cried a lot, and was depressed all the time, I think that if I hadn’t been so emotionally involved then those families wouldn’t have gotten sponsored.  God still could have done a miracle, but maybe He wouldn’t have intervened if I hadn’t been so desperate, and also I know I wouldn’t have worked half as hard to get them sponsors if I hadn’t been emotionally invested.  So it was all worth it.  :)

So anyway, the second Thursday brought more problems such as this:  the church that was supposed to provide volunteers that week said they don’t do a sign-up sheet…so basically they had no way to guarantee me that ANYONE would be there with me.  Now I’m not supposed to open alone, because you never know what could happen.  So I’m thinking it’s going to be like the week before, with like 12 people waiting at the door, and me having to say, “Sorry, I can’t open because I have no volunteers!”  Long story short, my mom came with me and she was the only one there for a little while but then some more volunteers showed up and everything went pretty smoothly and for the record, when we opened at 8 that week, no one was waiting to be let in, and thank God since it was just me and Mumsy.  The only real problem was one volunteer making coffee and leaving the pot on (and since I just started and no one has ever USED that pot) I didn’t think to check it back there and it scorched.  I woke up at 3 am that night (I wake up all the time now to have ideas about WELCOME, usually my best ones too) thinking I hope Tom turned that coffee pot off, but surely he did, right?!  Wrong.  But oh well.  Scorched coffee pot really doesn’t bother me that much, in the grand scheme of things.  The only other notable thing was the fact that I probably almost got murdered (not really, exaggerating).  But one guy came in, and he was the only person thus far who has scared me.  He just glared at me and never spoke a word, and I don’t know, he just had a hatefulness about him.  It’s not something I say lightly, but I felt something off him.  So anyway we are only allowed to serve 4 cities with food, so if your licence says another city, you have to have written proof (like a bill delivered to your name at your new address) that you live in this area.  Well this guy came in with an out-of-town license, and no proof…oh wait a minute…he DOES have a proof.  The proof:  a man in sweats and a beanie, jumping up to say, “Oh I’m his landlord!  He live here!”  Oh well in that case, Mr. Extremely Credible man with absolutely no proof whatsoever, I’d be just happy to help.  And did I mention that the hateful-looking man never even spoke a word to me?  When I was saying he had to have proof he just stood there glaring, until that man jumped up for him.  I mean, I’m normally not one to judge people or make assumptions, but the way he was looking at me, there was just HATE.  I actually thought this guy is fixing to pull out a knife and kill me right here in the lobby if I tell this sucka he can’t have food.  Anyway, sheesh.  The other issue (organizing Christmas program. check. getting fams sponsored. check. organizing volunteers. check.  new problem on the list? but of course.  As soon as you get one fixed, the next one is happy to move right on in.)  was the fact that we were running out of of food at the end of the day.  We had served 50 families that first week, and now this week we served 50 again.  Sheesh!!!  100 families….and most families have at least 3 people so we’re talking a lot of people needing food.  But oh my goodness, now the pantry is almost empty.  So now I had something new to stress about.  Long story short, after emailing all the churches asking for food donations for this week (my 3rd week) because we couldn’t even open if we don’t have any food, and some of the churches coming through for me, a middle school called and had a donation of over 1000 cans yesterday.  And at that point, I just realized that this is obsene, what God is doing, and that’s it, I am SO OVER worrying and stressing because obviously God has a new pasttime called: letting me get to the brink of destruction, then coming through in huge and gloriously obnoxious ways to show Himself. So even though this job is really hard and painful, I can see my faith is going to grow because God is going to have to do miracles all the time for me.  High five!

Also, I have to mention a woman who rode up on her bike yesterday (we opened on Tuesday just for people to drop off presents for their families they sponsored, so it wouldn’t be so hectic on Thursday with people getting food) and she came in to get some food.  We told her that we’re only open on Thursday for that but she said, “I’m desperate.  I don’t have any food at my house at all.”  And so I was like, okaaaaay, I’ll make an exception, but since we were almost out of food (no middle school donation at that point) I was thinking I can’t give her that much because I need to save some for Thursday.  But after I gave her some, she asked did we have any…personal hygeine products.  Dang.  Now after a few weeks maybe I’m starting to get desensitized to these people and their needs (though I pray that never happens) but I have to say, having a woman ask for something like that and realizing she doesn’t even have THAT….that’s staggering.  And I had been feeling like I was doing her this huge favor by letting her get food on a Tuesday and by giving her food when I barely even have any, and at that point I just felt like a jerk.  I realized I know I’m busy and it’s hectic, but I need to slow down and meet these people in their needs, to show compassion and concern for them, and to serve them with humility.  And after I went out on a limb and gave her that food, the middle school basically restocked our pantry, and I thought see, this is the way it should always be.  I should always give in faith and wait expectantly for the Lord to take care of me.  With two fish and five loaves, He can feed thousands.

Even amid all this hard work and hard times and sadness and feeling very alone at times, I cling to the lyrics of a Sara Groves song:  “patience in our sufferings, perserverance in our prayers, Christ will be our joy and strength”

Writing this blog is the first time I’ve basically had any time to process things, so even though it has taken me a long time and it is long, I don’t care because it’s been good to write it.  I am excited because I’m going to Gatlinburg Sun-Thur. so that will be a good time to relax and gather my thoughts, and also to enjoy Christmas because thus far (even though I’ve been working for the families for Christmas) it hasn’t felt like Christmas yet.  I haven’t listened to Christmas music, or watched Christmas movies, or sent Christmas cards (oops…sorry, friends, you’re probably not getting any this year).  But I will go to Gatlinburg, escape from WELCOME for a few days, come home and enjoy Christmas, and start again with a renewed mind and heart. 

But before that…I have to get through tomorrow, my 3rd Thursday, and the inevitably insane experiences I will go through.  Pray for me!

If you read this entire post, I will promptly pay you $10030423.  True story.